100 Moments of Torture
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: Ever wonder what happened after the manga ended? Well, here's your chance to find out... amidst other things...your perception of your favorite characters will be changed forever. The little tortures of EdWin, RoyAi, AlMei, and LingFan.
1. it Sounds Cooler In Japanese

"Riza, we have a serious problem," Brigadier General Mustang said very seriously, like he wasn't rubbing his fake beard. Riza stared at him like he was crazy.

"What is it sir?" she replied in her normal emotionless tone. Slapping his forehead in frustration, Roy Mustang sighed. That was exactly what the problem was.

"Why don't you call me Roy?" he suggested. Pouting (yes, pouting), Riza stared at him, confused.

"Is 'sir' not honorable enough for you? Shall I refer to you as 'your majesty'?"

"As enjoyable as that would be, I can't have you yelling out 'sir' or 'your majesty'." There was a long pause as Riza Hawkeye processed the information. Smirking rather sadistically, she said,

"But _sir_, it sounds much cooler in Japanese."


	2. Jealousy

Black Hayate smiled. That is, he smiled if dogs could smile. Roy glared jealously. Why did Riza have to bring that idiotic dog with her to their picnic? Watching the gun-happy woman coo to the dog, he didn't notice that she was smirking rather evilly, wondering how much longer it would take the Brigadier General to snap.

"I'd place my bet on five more minutes, wouldn't you?" Riza whispered to her faithful dog, lifting him up to kiss him on the nose and to hide her wide smirk. Perhaps she really had been hanging around the Flame Alchemist too much. She was catching the evil plotter's disease. Then again, it had a certain appeal to it…watching Roy carefully, waiting for him to loose his composure…

"Riza," Roy said in a strained voice, "the chicken's getting cold."

Undaunted, Riza didn't even look over at the blue and white checkered blanket.

"The only chicken's in a sandwich, sir. I highly doubt it would taste good warm." Sighing, Roy gave up for a few moments. But, being Roy Mustang, he sprang back up from his lazy posture on the ground.

"There's a wasp behind you," he tried, knowing that the blonde lieutenant had an unreasonable phobia for all things that could sting. Calmly whipping out her gun from a holder on her leg (Roy sweated nervously because he hadn't known it was there), she shot it five times over her shoulder, still holding on the Black Hayate. Hearing no thud of the insect on grass, she knew that her virtual target…_boyfriend_ was reaching his limits.

Once again, there was a pause.

"Riza, my mouth itches," Roy said. Riza slipped her shoe off and attempted to itch his lips with her foot. Hastily backing away, Roy waited for another minute before exploding.

"DAMN IT, ELIZABETH HAWKEYE! WE'RE ON A DATE HERE!" he screamed. Riza's only response was to blink several times in rapid succession before turning her attention back to Black Hayate.

"It's not nice to tease," Roy whined, all dignity forgotten. Victory, Riza thought smugly. But of course, being the secretive sadist she was, she had to do something else to torture the poor dude.

"But you're so fun to tease, _Roy_."

And that was the last time Black Hayate ever went on a picnic.


	3. Just Ask Already

"Hey dad, how did you ask mom out?" a blonde girl asked. Edward Elric sighed and blamed his wife for passing on her blue eyes. It was at that moment Winry Elric chose to appear. Now that he thought about it, she had a strange habit of appearing out of nowhere whenever someone mentioned their love life. Normally, the meeting was concluded with Winry disclosing an embarrassing fact about his…entomology. He very much hoped his dear darling wife could at least tone it down for their thirteen year old daughter.

"Well, Ally," Winry drawled, enjoying the nervous look on her husband's face, "I remember it was something to do with 'Equivalent change: I'll give you half my life so give me half of yours' or something like that. Then he hopped on a train and left me all alone for two years."

Allison Verity Elric looked as if someone had dropped a turtle on her head. Which had happened only once, she conceded, when her brother had ended his long turtle collecting phase and threw one of the offensive beasts (it had…_littered_ on his bed) out of the window, only for it to land on his sister. Ally was pleased to say that he had gotten stuck with chores for six months.

"W-winry, it wasn't like that!" Edward tried to explain rather desperately, "equivalent exchange is actually quite a romantic way for…"

"Asking someone out? That is, it's quite romantic for an insipid little midget little more significant than a grain of rice!" Winry retorted, holding out her beloved wrench. Poor Ally was torn between watching amusedly, and shouting a warning to her dad.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A FLEA SIZED IDIOT WHO CAN'T PERFORM ALCHEMY DUE TO HIS SIZE AND IS MORE INSIGNIFICANT THAN A GRAIN OF RICE AND CAN'T USE REAL WEAPONS? HUH? _HUH?_" Edward Elric persisted, ignoring the warning look from his daughter. Suddenly, Winry deflated, pocketing the wrench.

"God, this brings back memories," she giggled. Eyes popping, Edward prayed to whatever gods there were that this wasn't a fluke.

"How'd you and dad get married then?" Ally asked, now fully alarmed.

"Well…" Edward drew out nervously. This time, Winry really did hit him with the wrench.

"Let's see…

"He just got back from his trip, and he wouldn't show me what was in his left hand. We went home to Granny, Al, and Mei. Nothing out of the normal happened. Then, in the middle of the night, we heard clanging in the kitchen, and smelt smoke. All of us rushed down the stairs and found Edward trying to bake my ring into a cake. Obviously, the cake exploded in the oven due to the metal. That's why my ring's a bit deformed," Winry showed Ally, who gazed at the band of auto-mail like it was the coolest thing in the world.

From that day onwards, Edward Elric never got respect from his daughter again.


	4. Opps, I Forgot to Tell Her

Alphonse had a huge dilemma. He was too shy to chance it. Not that the fact he was shy is a huge secret, but it remained undiscovered to the object of his attention. Mei smiled encouragingly at him, and he felt his heart flutter for the wrong reasons. Oh god, how was he supposed to say this? It was awkward enough already without him contributing to the mood. Well, he was contributing to the mood.

Al took a very deep breath. Trembling, he knelt down. He knelt down and grabbed the parachute. Mei had to help him strap it on, he was convulsing so horribly. The cliff, usually so beautiful, suddenly seemed to induce nausea.

He'd never gotten around to telling Mei that he has acrophobia.


	5. The Emperor's New Cheese

"Happy birthday to me," LanFan muttered darkly to herself. Yes, her birthday had managed to coincide with that of the Amestrian holiday, Thanksgiving. It—the holiday—was stupid and shallow. LanFan didn't even like turkey, much less giving thanks for something she didn't want over said bird.

It didn't matter now, did it? In a few days, she was to be transferred to Shanghai (which is a real city in China, for you people that didn't pay attention in World Studies) as the advisors had deemed it…scandalous for a woman to play knight to the new Emperor.

"Ta men dou shi xie wang ba dang!" she hissed angrily to herself. (1)

"LanFan? Ni kan qi lai yo yi dian…bu gao xin." (2)

Stupid Ling and his meddling ways. Stupid government stupid _stupidstupidstupid!_

"Understatement," she muttered under her breath in Amestrian, hoping that Ling wouldn't pick it up. The normally closed eyes of Ling's opened. What was he there for anyways?

"I told them you're not leaving."

_Stupid—wait…what?_

Unable to stop herself, LanFan uttered an 'eh?'

Ling's smile only widened.

"Wo gei ta men shu ne bu shi zhi bao hu wo de shen ti—ni ye bao hu wo de xing." (3)

A thin brow twitched on LanFan's face.

"By the way—happy birthday!" Ling escaped before LanFan could tell him off for behaving inappropriately.

LanFan smiled to herself. She guessed that meant she was staying.

"Ben dan…" (4) she muttered to herself. What a cheesy line.

(1) Very watchy language

(2) LanFan? You look…unhappy.

(3) Trust us—it's _really_ cheesy. TallerThanThou only put it in because a certain romantic friend of ours insisted.

(4) Idiot.

By the way, Xing is the name of the country, and that means heart. We'll leave you to your wild speculations about us insane Asians. The language used was Chinese, TallerThanThou and ShorterThanThou learned along with English. It has been very useful, and allows us to curse in school and get away with it. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Better than us using pig latin, ne? Zai jian!


	6. WE DO NOT HAVE COOKIES

Envy was sick and tired of all the mislead strangers asking for cookies. Just because they were the _dark side_ did _not_ mean that they sparkled (damn Voldemort and his Death Mark) or had cookies (damn Star Wars parodies). And he was definitely _not_ gay! He just had an effeminate voice, was prettier than most girls, and had long, silky, green hair.

Seriously.

Okay, maybe they had _some_ cookies. Like Gluttony's meat cookies. Except those were deceased humans squashed by Gluttony's massive weight after he pounced on them in preparation for eating.

Ewww.

"Envy!"

And he especially _hated_ how Lust pronounced his name, like it was a dear clothing brand instead of a homunculus going through his rebellious stage. Wait, what? Was that a Philosopher's Stone? He stared at it unabashed. Unfortunately…

"…Envy, are you staring at my boobs?"

It was all but concealed in Lust's cleavage. Envy drooled. He was suffering from Stone deprivation.

Later…

"Aunty Lust," Pride chirped. Lust looked up from picking her nails.

"Yes dear?" she asked. Pride pointed at the mangled corpse on the floor. As if on cue, it twitched, sparks flying around it as it tried to regenerate.

"Is that who I think it is?" Pride asked tentatively as a few cuss words flew from the creature's mouth. Suddenly, 'Aunt Lust' didn't look so aunt-y anymore; she looked like a psychotic mass murderer—which they all were, but she looked ESPECIALLY like one at that moment.

"That depends on who you think it is," Lust said, popping the Philosopher's Stone into her mouth.


End file.
